I just spent the better part of five hours playing around with my diary template, only to keep it pretty much the same, but now the links and background are red. Did I mention it's also Friday night, and this is how I spent my Friday night?

I am fucking pathetic.

Actually, this was what I wanted to do. Therefore, I am not pathetic but really, really cool, because I did exactly what I wanted to do.

Right?

And I am just going to keep telling myself that. Self esteem is important, okay? It's all about how you choose to see things.

I also spent the lesser part of five hours browsing my old entries. Holy alien puppetmaster, I was a totally shitty person in many ways. I was, at various times, naive, mean, bitchy, selfish, self-centered and self-righteous. Among other things.

It's no wonder I didn't get along with anybody. It's no wonder I was broke, unhappy and angry. Dare I mention the things that happened to me that caused me to be this way? I have been through some shit in life, to say the least. Much of it...SO not my fault.

But how I dealt with it? THAT was my fault.

I learned. I matured. I moved on. Alright, mostly. I am still angry about the house I grew up in being willed to someone who lived in it for less than three years. Oh, and the life insurance policy I was the beneficiary of for, I don't know, 25 years? Umm, I'm also still a little pissed that I don't get Dad's pension, which I was also the beneficiary of, for 14 years.

Thing is, I wouldn't be as pissed if all the beneficiary information didn't change two days before Dad died - the day he was in the hospital, uncomfortable, sick, weak, wanting nothing more than ice chips and a cool cloth on his forehead. That and, everything his wife knew about was left to her. Anything she didn't know about? Yeah, that was still in my name. So I wonder what happened there? I always will wonder. Did he leave things the way he wanted, or did he sign whatever she asked him to? What about his will? The way he explained it, that is SO not what the will said. Did he lie? Probably not. Dad was a pretty honest man. Again, I think he just put too much faith in other people and signed where he was told.

I'm not necessarily upset that I don't own these things, this money. I am upset that there seems to have been something amiss going on, and what Dad said he wanted to happen isn't what happened. I can't prove anything. In the three months after Dad passed away, I went to no less than six lawyers for help. No one would take the case because nothing could be proven, so far as they could tell. Yet, every one of them agreed something fishy and/or illegal had occurred.

So here I am, angry and upset about the way the chips fell. What to do?

Move on, of course. I have moved on so much from what happened four years ago, but I still have a lot of healing to do. It gets easier with every new event that happens in my life. The thing that hurts is that my Father is not here for me to share these things with. My goal is to stop wondering what happened, or didn't happen, surrounding Dad's will and money and material things. It doesn't really matter anymore. I just have to believe that fate and karma will turn on anyone who did wrong. I also have to believe in my own inner strength. In my thirty years on this Earth, I have been through and gotten myself into, and out of, things which would destroy most people. I am one of those people who really can do anything I put my mind to. Too smart and too stubborn for my own good. But given the hand life has dealt me, I think being too smart and too stubborn is exactly what got me through.

I will get into all of this more in future entries. Near future, not four months from now. I have two days off of work and a lot of writing to do.

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