Another thing I kept thinking while I was reading back through my journal, is how totally obvious it was - to everyone except me - that John and I should have been together long before it finally happened. I was in love with him, wanted to be with him, was his. The entire time, I was trying so hard to be with Mike because of the length of time we'd known each other and what I'd believed our love was. In reality, John was the one who actually cared how I felt. Mike did everything to make it obvious he didn't want to be with me, without actually saying the words. I wish he had. I would have gotten on with my life much sooner.

Unfortunately, John and I have been on the brink of divorce for the better part of two years now. Why? I can't speak for John, or explain why he did the things he did that broke my trust in him. But I can speak for myself. I know I came into this still thinking about what "should" have been. I made my marriage to John this big opportunity for escape from everything unhappy in my life. I expected what he told me to expect from him, instead of figuring it out for myself. I loved him for the right reasons, wanted to be with him for the right reasons, but ultimately decided to be with him when and how I did for all the wrong ones.

Despite our many fights, despite being hurt almost beyond repair, it took one single moment for me to realize I needed, and wanted, to put everything I have into making our marriage work.

We were talking, then arguing, about everything that is wrong in our lives and how maybe divorce is the answer. I was about 95% certain this was what needed to happen, no matter how I felt about it. Then, I asked him (for the 879,342,321st time that weekend) why he wanted a divorce. He looked at me, tears in his eyes, a look of total desolation on his face, and said, "I don't know anymore. I still love you. I just want us both to be happy."

I am the type who tends to remain quiet until something pops into my head that just NEEDS to be said. Like, if I don't say it, my brain will implode and the rest of me will spontaneously combust at that very moment. So I sit there for a few seconds feeling the pressure build, sort of knowing what I'm about to say, but trying to weigh the pros and cons of saying it. Instinctively, I yell out, "How in the fuck are we both going to be happy without each other?!"

I'm fairly certain that was the last time either of us said anything about divorce.

Thank goodness.

We still argue. We still have things to work out. But I love John for who he is, what he is. His strengths as well as his weaknesses. More recently, I remember the things I love about him and why, above all, he is my friend. I find myself falling in love with him again sometimes. Finally.

It's good to be back.

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