It's been a day or two now and I think I've calmed down from the distress I felt due to the recent "Family Discussion". Still, there's a third part of the whole situation I need to talk about: my Father and my house.

In 1950, my Grandparents (who, in 1950 were newlyweds with a 2-year old Daughter, my Mother) purchased two lots in a new neighborhood in Sayreville, NJ. On the lots they built a nice cape cod style house with a full basement, all the most modern conveniences and even a three-season porch. To mark the day they moved in, they planted a Black Walnut sapling in the backyard. To this day, the tree stands firmly in the ground, towering over the house and providing stashes of walnuts to the friendly neighborhood squirrels.

As she was growing up, my Grandparents made it clear to my Mother that the house would one day be hers. They'd meant it to stay in the family, so she, her children, and her children's children would always have a place to call home. As I was growing up, my parents made it clear to me that this was the case. They promised me this house would be mine if I wanted it, after all, that is what my Grandparents had planned.

My Mother passed away in 1989, when I was just twelve years old. That sad story is a WHOLE other entry. My Mother didn't have a will, so all my Grandfather's and Mother's property (the house included) was in an estate, left equally to my Father and I, where it remained until just a couple of months ago. My Father had always promised that the house would always be mine. He even went so far as to promise that when I got married, he'd move and leave the house for my future husband and I to make a life for ourselves. Part of the plan my Grandparents had was to make sure my Mother, me, my children, would get a good start in our marriages by not having to make the huge purchase of a house. Instead, we could concentrate on our families, not working overtime to pay a mortgage.

In 2001, my Father remarried. That, too, is a whole other entry. At any rate, both my Father and Stepmother acknowledged that this was MY house and my Stepmother swore up and down she wanted no part of it.

That was, of course, until they found themselves $60,000 in debt. The actual cause of the debt is still completely unknown to me. I don't see how winning (and later selling) a $100,000 home (plus everything else) in a divorce and making $70,000 a year between the two of them puts them in $60,000 of debt. But whatever...I guess it was the salon treatments, new clothes, new truck and constant home shopping that my Stepmother needed. I mean, my Father and I weren't doing very well financially before he remarried, but after the wedding the debt seemed to spiral out of control, whatever the reason.

Through guilt trips about my Father's health and well-being and my responsibility to my future husband NOT to enter our marriage in a state of debt, and the fact that I cost my Father a bit more than I pay him every month, among other issues, my Stepmother and Father convinced me I had no choice but to sign off on the deed to my family's house so they could put the house in their own names and get a $100,000 loan to get out of their $60,000 worth of debt once and for all. After all, if I'd kept my name on the deed, I'd have to agree to the loan too, and I'd be responsible for paying my 1/3 of the loan off, which I couldnt' afford, even though I'd see no money from it and I'd effectively be paying off the debt THEY got THEMSELVES into.

I signed because they verbally promised me they wouldn't sell the house I love so much and that they'd leave me the house in their will.

Well guess what? They plan on selling the house. I don't get any money from anything. My Stepmother claims they're "being generous" by offering Mike and I $5,000 towards our wedding. We don't even get help with a downpayment on a different home for ourselves. It's not like Mike and I make a ton of money. He gets less than $30,000 a year fixing copiers and I'm not working right now. In central NJ, that doesn't entitle us to much more than renting a roach-infested shack in the projects. I don't see how effectively GIVING them $150,000 (my half of the house's value) by signing off on the deed doesn't entitle Mike and I to a little more help. They didn't even say "thank you" when I signed the papers. That alone hurts more than anything.

I'm sick of talking about all this. All it does is stress me out and leave me feeling totally helpless. If I bring it up to my family, they say I am spoiled and selfish and I don't know where my place is. That is not the case. I was gullible, I love my Father, I was generous, I chose to sign the papers to take my name off the deed in order to get my Father and Stepmother out of debt I did not create. I get no thanks, they broke their promises to me, I get no help either. It isn't right.

I don't want to ramble on about this anymore. What's done is done. I fucked up, and now I have to find a way out of my mistake. I will, I just don't know exactly where to start.

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