Hmmm...another new site design. I wonder how long this one will last. I liked the one Robin made for me; I think it was just too calming to compliment my current state of mind. I made this one last night and put the finishing touches on it just now. I thought it would take WAY longer, but HTML editing is so fucking easy these days. Even though I've been doing this for years now, it's funny and wonderful how I'm still learning. The way the whole computer/internet world changes so fast is still as amazing to me as it was when I got my first computer in 1994.

So, I was saying something about my current state of mind. Oh, yeah...my mind is fried. I'm completely stressed and I can't relax, which is the source of 90% of my problems. The problems I have stress me out. It's a vicious circle that I can't seem to break. I just don't know HOW anymore.

I had another huge fight with Mike last night. It wasn't all my fault. All I said was any job I'm going to be able to get right now, sure it'll help, but not as much as Mike seems to think. He seems to think me working will solve ALL our problems, mentally, physically and financially. I think the only one it will solve is his problem with people telling him not to be with me because I don't have a steady weekly income. It isn't going to help anything else. I think what it really comes down to is he believes you can't have a marriage unless you have two steady incomes. Fine. I understand that a marriage is a financial commitment (among other things). What he *doesn't* get is that you also can't have a marriage without a good relationship as a foundation and you can't have a good relationship without communication, intimacy and respect...none of which we have anymore.

What I just described, was a very small part of the time spent arguing and I'm also paraphrasing quite a bit. Most of the conversation, really, was yelling, whining and grunts of disgust from both of us. We are SO bad at communicating. Sometimes, I think it's me. But then I realize that even though I'm confused, hurt and stressed, I CAN talk to other people and have them understand me. I CAN joke with them. Other people DO like me as a person. It's just a problem I have with Mike.

I ended up crying my eyes out and calling John at almost two in the morning. I avoided it for fear of pissing off Mike by calling John, fear of getting John's hopes up somehow and fear of saying something I'd regret. But Mike turned his phone off so I couldn't call him and really, there's no one else I can call and cry to at two am except John. I couldn't sit here alone, sleepless and crying buckets of tears anymore.

I can't even call Pat for things like this because all he'd say is "Fuck Mike, he's an asshole. Call me tomorrow. We'll go to the movies" or some such shit.

~Then he wonders why I don't call him much?~

I don't want to hear that Mike's an asshole or I shouldn't care or any crap like that. I don't need anyone to badmouth my best friend and tell me I deserve better. I just want someone to listen and say they care, then try their hardest to make me laugh and get my mind off everything that bugs me. That's exactly what John did. Thank god for friends.

Mike did eventually call me back, we did eventually stop yelling at each other. He called me twice today and seemed like he wasn't mad. It seemed like every other day, every other fight. We fight and wake up in the morning and it's a new day. We start out as friends, as being together, we talk, we laugh, we get off the phone saying "I love you" in a GOOD way.

This time, I don't find it so easy to get over. I think I'm hurt too deeply this time. Every fight before this was just adding to the misery. This fight just CHANGED things. It changed the way I feel. It hurt more than anything I can remember in the past few months. It was just different.

I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know where that leaves the relationship. The ring's still on my finger. I still have a teeny, tiny grain of hope left somewhere deep inside. I don't know if Mike does anymore.

And what makes it all the more terrible, is that if we sit down to discuss where things stand and where they're going and what to do, we'll just argue again.

He's supposed to meet me at the Waterfront today. I guess it's like him holding out the little olive branch and muttering "peace?" I don't know how much it will help, but you can bet I'll try. I try and try and try...not that anyone cares, but it's a peace of mind thing, you know? I try so I can tell myself I tried...so that maybe one day I'll try something that will work.

Enough of this. Time to play on the treadmill and watch HGTV. Get the seratonin levels up enough so that I can at least *act* happy.

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